“1…2….3….deep breath, can you please go to your room? Mommy needs a few minutes to herself. NO! Sigh.. okay I’ll go to MY room." *closes and locks door* child bangs on door..
This happens more times in our life than I’d like to admit. Having to hide away because I feel overwhelmed. I feel fucking angry. I feel annoyed. I feel ashamed that I can’t control my emotions better.
Each night when my girls are sound asleep in their beds, the mom guilt hits... I feel like the world's worst mom, that I just must be failing at this mom thing.. I cry at least once a day. I don't say that for pity, I say it for solidarity.
I love my kids. We all do. I love them so much it hurts my heart most days. I love them so much I don’t want them out of sight and yet I want to hide in my room in silence. I love them so much I get beyond anxious the nights they are away from me; even if it’s just a dinner... and I know they’re with people I trust. I feel bad when my youngest cries for me to just cuddle her and my skin feels like it’s going to burn off if she crawls on me just one more time.. I worry when I’m waiting for my oldest to get off the bus, “What if she didn’t get on? What if she went on the wrong one and she’s lost? And we argued this morning... what if I don’t see her again?” These are the thoughts that go on inside my brain. Every. Single. Day.
I beat myself up over every - single - parenting choice I make in a day. If not at the time, for sure that evening before bed when I reflect on my day and my brain doesn’t want to turn off.
I want to live in Stars Hollow and be Lorelei and my girls be Rory x2 (Gilmore Girls reference).
I want a relationship with my daughters that is meaningful, sacred, shows each other respect, love, trust and honesty. I want them to grow up and be amazing women and moms. I want them to know it won’t be easy but I will be there when it gets hard because I UNDERSTAND.
So, on nights where I feel like we’ve had the worst day ever, I worry this relationship won’t be possible, that I’ve messed it up entirely and our future is doomed. But then I remember that we talk about it, we apologize, we hug a lot, we laugh and play, we share amazing memories together and that is what I need to remind myself of each night.
If you’ve made it this far,
Say this with me:
I AM a good mom.
I AM raising my kids as best as I can.
I AM good enough.
Mistakes DO NOT make me a failure.
I AM worthy of love.
I AM their mom for a reason.
And hey, if you’re feeling mom guilt then you’re likely doing this mom thing right, and you’re not alone.